The Master

TheMaster-withBilling-R4-jpg_202827-1OK now, I’m all for intellectually challenging movies, especially when PTA’s involved. But I have to admit, although it sort of blew my mind in a sense, I was still a bit disappointed on a few points.

Firstly, the nudity. I never refuse girls dancing around fully naked, especially since it’s the 50s they don’t shave their cunts like the bitches do today. But in this case, the nakedness was simply unbearable. Why ? Cuz instead of having hot girlz fooling around, they chose the more arty ugly/fat/granny combo. Seriously, saggy tits are not appealing at all. Also, Joaquin Phoenix is banging some disgusting fatty English cunt… Even the sand woman was hotter. NOT good.

Secondly, Jesse Plemons. We barely see Matt Damon’s doppelganger at all. Also, he seems to have put on some weight. NOT good.

Thirdly, Amy Adams. She’s still cute and I enjoyed the scene in which she gives a handjob but omagad she looks soooooo old in this film. NOT good.

Now, it’s not all bad, there are a plenty of positive aspects. I like the fact that they shot it on 70mm, gives it a more authentic look and really brings out the 40’s/50’s feel. The cinematography was magnificent, the scenes beautifully shot. Then there’s the acting. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams and Joaquin Phoenix were all fabulously convincing and full of nuance (especially when the latter fingers the sand woman. HAWT.) But I was most impressed by Amy Adams. If I may quote a fellow reviewer, ‘the nuance and layers of conflicting emotions she conveys in almost every scene is something to behold’. She really gives a performance of great depth. They were also lots of funny moments. Granted, I’m still trying to figure what this movie’s about but even if I cannot yet comprehend all it’s complexity and subtlety, I do feel it is lacking a certain je ne sais quoi to make it a real masterpiece. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s the greatest movie of all time. Maybe it’s also pretentious and overrated. I don’t know, and that’s a good thing. Makes me want to watch it again.

No rating this time, could go anywhere between an A++ and a D.

the-master09Amy Adams, the masterbater.

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Maniac

OK So the other day I got to see Maniac. Now you may ask how I managed to watch it since it hasn’t been released yet  (except at some pompous pseudo elitist festival in Chicago). Anyway, let’s say I managed to acquire a copy in a somewhat unconventional manner. A bit like sleeping with the director’s wife/gf (which really is IMHO the only reason one would ever copulate with Alex Aja’s disgusting pathetic excuse for a wife) except that’s not the case cuz, well, the Lord hasn’t been very generous in creating my manly attributes.

Now, about Maniac. I have to admit these Frenchies really know how to make movies, or at least they know how to make remakes of movies that don’t totally suck ass. Maniac has plenty of blood and gore to satisfy my Dexterly needs, plenty of lovely round breasts to satisfy my loner virgin needs and plenty of heavy breathing which does not satisfy any need of mine but is simply awesome thanks to Elijah Wood’s MAGNIFICENT performance. A performance that makes us forget all the shortcomings of this flick. Like that stupid Frog actress (Nora Arnesomethingwhycantshehaveanormalname) who can’t act for shit. Like all the other actors as a matter of fact. From the gayman Martin Nunez, to the cliché big black guy (Anna’s bf) it seems like all of the budget went into securing Elijah Wood as the lead. Cuz it seriously look like they didn’t have any money left to get some other decent actors. Which is kind of ironic since we barely see Elijah Wood at all… thanks to the POV we only get glimpses of his cute face in reflections and stuff. But don’t get me wrong, I like the fact that they decided to film Maniac in POV. It is an interesting artistic choice which helps set it apart from the ’80s original Maniac. I also like the score which reminded me of the movie Drive.

All in all, Maniac is an entertaining film which has a lot going for it despite lacking credible secondary actors, basic character building and also… a plot. But hey, I for one am not complaining about Aja’s ‘blood & gore coupled with hot chicks’ recipe.

Overall, [B+] thanks to the massive amount of b00bies.

Thoughts on the year that was

Hey yall waz good ? OK so I stayed home alone on NYE cuz i still don’t have any friends and my parents, well, I’d rather not get into details. So after eating pop-tarts all night I looked back at what an incredible year 2012 has been for movies.

Here’s my top 3

clint-eastwood-disgusted-gifTrouble with the Curve: A mildly enjoyable predictable generic movie. But at least it had two fantastic actors, Clint Eastwood & Amy Adams. Two of the finest actors this world has to offer. It has really been a delight to watch them, they even managed to overshadow the boring script and the all so douchy Justin Timberlake. Also, I like baseball, Georgia’s awesome and Robert Patrick’s in it. [B]

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Ted: The funniest movie I’ve watched in a long long time. I love Family Guy and frankly, I am not at all disappointed by Seth MacFarlane’s first live film. A guy smoking pot with his teddy bear… how awesome is that ! Now I don’t remember much about it but I do remember the uber sexy Mila Kunis. I also remember the dirty jokes, Norah Jones looking hot as fuck (thx a lot for 9/11 bitch) and most of all, i remember Flash Gordon. Also, I’m in love with Patrick Stewart’s voice. [A+]

The Expendables 2:

Barney Ross: I’ve heard another rumor… that you were bitten by a king cobra?
Booker: Yeah, I was… and after five days of agonizing pain… the cobra died.

Need I say more ? [A++]