G.I. Joe: Retaliation

gijoeOK now, I’m usually a big fan of brainless movies with lots of action, lots of kewl weapons, lots of CGI, lots of hawt muscled men etc. However, I was EXTREMELY disappointed with this one. G.I. Joe: Retaliation sucks ass !! Why ? Two main reasons.

First, it was so confuuuusing !!! Couldn’t see a thing: it was dark, the action scenes were fuzzy, 3D sucked balls, lighting sucked even more. I don’t know if it was cuz of the stupid theater, but if not, people should be fired over at Paramount. Now maybe y’all should watch it in 2D, i don’t know maybe, looked good on the trailers. But don’t watch it in 3D, thats for sure.

Then, I was under the impression Channing Tatum, the second hottest man in the known universe behind Ryan Gosling, would have a strong presence in this movie, especially with the reshoots and all. Also, don’t forget the marketing focusing heavily on him. But what happened here is simply outrageous. Even more outrageous than Gosling dying after 40 minutes in The Place Beyond the Pines. Here, Tatum is killed after simply 15 minutes. Really pissed me off.

Also, no b00bies, no nekkid girz… Adrianne Palicki’s looking sexay in a couple of scenes, but other than that… I really miss Sienna Miller.

Let’s give it a [F]

G.I. JOE: RETALIATIONAdrianne Palicki: mildly attractive.

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The Place Beyond the Pines

The-Place-Beyond-The-Pines-posterOK now, I have to admit I’m a bit disappointed. Being a Ryan Gosling lover/aficionado for a couple of years now, I was expecting another masterpiece starring the hottest actor in the known universe. I also had high hopes since Blue Valentines‘ director is directing TPBTP. But yeah, like I said… kinda disappointed. Although I guess in a sense, it can be seen as a masterpiece. Cuz you see, Gosling’s only in the film at the beginning !! So you get like 40 minutes of pure awesumness right until Gosling’s shot to death by Bradley Cooper’s character. This is my biggest beef with TPBTP. It’s not actually a movie, it’s three movies one after the other. The first one is so superb that I actually had a hard on watching Ryan Gosling. The second one is an average story about some dirty cops and the last one’s about sum shitty teenagers I don’t care about. Now, obviously these stories are linked, but it still seems weird. And I’m not sorry for revealing the plot, you shouldn’t be reading my shitty article anyway.

Yeah, so Ryan Gosling’s awesum, great acting & great body. Bradley Cooper’s alright, not his best job though. Ray Liotta’s being Ray Liotta, which is good I guess. Eva Mendes, well, I guess she did okay. Didn’t have a lot to do. So yeah, mixed acting overall. And I’m not even going to elaborate on the kids at the end seeing how much they sucked ass.

Then, regarding the nudity… Ryan Gosling’s been working out, which is good. But no naked girlz, no b00bies… which is sad, very sad. Eva Mendes is usually not wearing a bra, so we get a glimpse of her nipples, but that’s it. No nudity at all. But hey, I don’t really care cuz the film’s quite deep actually. With sum interesting stuff regarding parenting, lost sons, interracial couples, relationships between fathers and sons… That’s to deep for me but for those you like this kind of shit… The score’s also pretty good, thank you Mike Patton ! (GOOGLE HIM)

Also, the movie is waaay too long. 2 hours and 20 minutes, that’s like an eternity. Especially since the first hour or so has a lot of stuff in it. After that, the movie becomes slower and slower…

But hey, although I’m a bit on the negative here, TPBTP still has a lot going for it so I’ll give it a [B-]. A++++ if you only watch the first 30-40 minutes.

the-place-beyond-the-pines-trailer-0Look at this guy. The cigarette, the tattoos, the dyed hair, the look in his eyes… pure handsomeness.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

hobbit-poster-galadriel-cate-blanchett-405x600

OK. So the other day I went to the movies. Alone cuz i got no friends. Anyway, I really wanted to see this fascinating Hobbit flick cuz you know, I like small people. Just kidding of course, I only took my caucasian ass to the theatre for the ‘Star Trek Trek Into Darkness’ 9 minute preview. An awesomely awesome preview I might add witch featured some breathtaking visuals, top-notch acting, state of the art CGI and Michael Giacchino’s auditive orgasm. Easily my next year’s most anticipated film. However, they had this wonderful idea to show the preview AFTER the Hobbit’s end credits. What does it mean ? Well it means I had to painfully sit through this boring 3 hour pathetic excuse for movie. Now obviously, since i’m a connoisseur, I treated myself to an IMAX slash 3D slash 48fps projection. Cuz you know, it’s always better to have twice as many images or frames or whatever it’s called. Well, actually no. Though the image might be seem clearer and more detailed (oh yeah, most def noticed gandalfs lenses), it didn’t really feel natural. The moves seemed accelerated and most annoyingly, it felt like I was watching a PBS documentary. Apparently it’s supposed to ‘enhance the experience’… well apart from enhancing wrinkles and skin cracks, i’m not really sure what it does… Now I’m all for new technologies and stuff, but Peter Jackson can go fuck himself with his high frame rate bullshit. James Cameron can also fuck himself big time since he apparently has the even worse idea to make ‘Avatar 2’ not in 48fps, but in 60fps !! OH LORD… Now, sure there were some nice moments like the landscapes or Freeman’s acting. but overall this movie is boring as fuck. Also, Gandalf’s always saving everyone at the last second. That really irritated me.

So yeah, The Hobbit sucks ass. Also, no naked girlz which is a disappointment.

D-