G.I. Joe: Retaliation

gijoeOK now, I’m usually a big fan of brainless movies with lots of action, lots of kewl weapons, lots of CGI, lots of hawt muscled men etc. However, I was EXTREMELY disappointed with this one. G.I. Joe: Retaliation sucks ass !! Why ? Two main reasons.

First, it was so confuuuusing !!! Couldn’t see a thing: it was dark, the action scenes were fuzzy, 3D sucked balls, lighting sucked even more. I don’t know if it was cuz of the stupid theater, but if not, people should be fired over at Paramount. Now maybe y’all should watch it in 2D, i don’t know maybe, looked good on the trailers. But don’t watch it in 3D, thats for sure.

Then, I was under the impression Channing Tatum, the second hottest man in the known universe behind Ryan Gosling, would have a strong presence in this movie, especially with the reshoots and all. Also, don’t forget the marketing focusing heavily on him. But what happened here is simply outrageous. Even more outrageous than Gosling dying after 40 minutes in The Place Beyond the Pines. Here, Tatum is killed after simply 15 minutes. Really pissed me off.

Also, no b00bies, no nekkid girz… Adrianne Palicki’s looking sexay in a couple of scenes, but other than that… I really miss Sienna Miller.

Let’s give it a [F]

G.I. JOE: RETALIATIONAdrianne Palicki: mildly attractive.


The Place Beyond the Pines

The-Place-Beyond-The-Pines-posterOK now, I have to admit I’m a bit disappointed. Being a Ryan Gosling lover/aficionado for a couple of years now, I was expecting another masterpiece starring the hottest actor in the known universe. I also had high hopes since Blue Valentines‘ director is directing TPBTP. But yeah, like I said… kinda disappointed. Although I guess in a sense, it can be seen as a masterpiece. Cuz you see, Gosling’s only in the film at the beginning !! So you get like 40 minutes of pure awesumness right until Gosling’s shot to death by Bradley Cooper’s character. This is my biggest beef with TPBTP. It’s not actually a movie, it’s three movies one after the other. The first one is so superb that I actually had a hard on watching Ryan Gosling. The second one is an average story about some dirty cops and the last one’s about sum shitty teenagers I don’t care about. Now, obviously these stories are linked, but it still seems weird. And I’m not sorry for revealing the plot, you shouldn’t be reading my shitty article anyway.

Yeah, so Ryan Gosling’s awesum, great acting & great body. Bradley Cooper’s alright, not his best job though. Ray Liotta’s being Ray Liotta, which is good I guess. Eva Mendes, well, I guess she did okay. Didn’t have a lot to do. So yeah, mixed acting overall. And I’m not even going to elaborate on the kids at the end seeing how much they sucked ass.

Then, regarding the nudity… Ryan Gosling’s been working out, which is good. But no naked girlz, no b00bies… which is sad, very sad. Eva Mendes is usually not wearing a bra, so we get a glimpse of her nipples, but that’s it. No nudity at all. But hey, I don’t really care cuz the film’s quite deep actually. With sum interesting stuff regarding parenting, lost sons, interracial couples, relationships between fathers and sons… That’s to deep for me but for those you like this kind of shit… The score’s also pretty good, thank you Mike Patton ! (GOOGLE HIM)

Also, the movie is waaay too long. 2 hours and 20 minutes, that’s like an eternity. Especially since the first hour or so has a lot of stuff in it. After that, the movie becomes slower and slower…

But hey, although I’m a bit on the negative here, TPBTP still has a lot going for it so I’ll give it a [B-]. A++++ if you only watch the first 30-40 minutes.

the-place-beyond-the-pines-trailer-0Look at this guy. The cigarette, the tattoos, the dyed hair, the look in his eyes… pure handsomeness.

Spring Breakers [Britney Spears I love you]

Spring-Breakers-poster-A-Little-SunOK y’all, so this HAS to be the weirdest, most FUCKED UP film I’ve ever seen. But in a good way, you know. Now, it ain’t for everyone. In fact, there was a non negligible amount of walkouts during the screening. But hey, look at the rating, so who cares if some 10 years old bitches cry and leave cuz they saw their role model smoke a big ass bong and talk about dicks and shit.

Alright, let’s start with the b00bies, and there were plenty of em!! It’s spring break after all. So you get lots of hawt girlz dancing around topless, shaking their money makers, drinking bud light, sniffing coke and some other weird shit… My virgin needs couldn’t have been more satisfied !! Plus, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens (and even Rachel Korine) were all uber mega hot yet also believable. Who’d have thought Selena was capable of such great acting ! Her crying scene was sooooo sweet. James Franco is also incredibly AWESUM !! Geat job, casting wise.

But there is more to ‘Spring Breakers’ than the nudity, the sex, the drugs. It is also very deep and shows us great insight regarding the youth of today. Some interesting shit about a conflicted generation, the drug problem, the never ending spring breaks getting crazier and crazier… But that’s too serious for me. I enjoy light subjects and b00bies.

An other thing I really liked is the soundtrack. It is awesomely awesome and fits perfectly with the partying but also with the more moody, gloomy scenes. So thanks Cliff Martinez & Skrillex. Great stuff. The filming and the lighting’s also pretty good. Thank you Harmony Korine and Benoit Debie ❤

And let’s not forget the guns. Hand guns, uzis with silencers, machine guns, sniper rifles, shotguns. I was DELIGHTED ! ‘look at my shieeet‘. Some serious gangsta shit going on in this movie 🙂

All in all a fantastic film. Tits bouncing around, plenty of gun violence and lots of dollars flying in the air. A perfect mix for a film which could also be viewed as an ode to Britney Spears. I give it a [AWESUM+++] y’all

spring-breakers-picture01James Franco, one badass modafucka.

Speedy reviews: Silver Linings Playbook & The Last Stand

bookOK now I saw this flick ages ago so I don’t remember jack shit about it. However, I do remember Bradley Cooper looking über sexy and I do remember Jennifer Lawrence being super mega hawwwwt. I also remember the former running around wearing a garbage bag… Oh yeah, and most importantly I remember: EXCELSIOR !! Overall one of the best movies of the year so far, maybe even THE best movie. And yes, it counts as a 2013 release since I saw it this year. Not a big fan of romantic comedies per se, but this one is definitely awesome.  Anyway, short review cuz like I said, don’t remember jack shit. But it was kewl so [A+]

The-Last-Stand-poster-finalOk now I also don’t remember much about this one since I also saw it a long, long, long time ago. But it was BADASS and I really don’t understand how it tanked at the box office. It wasn’t crap like ‘Bullet to the Head’. No, it was BADASS. Arnie was BADASS, i’ve never seen him as BADASS as in this film. Seems like he gets better over the years. Now you might think I’m hyperboling here, but I honestly think ‘The Last Stand’ is a pretty good action movie with a bit of an 80s feel. Plus, the ‘Jackass’ guy isn’t annoying at all. I give it a [B]
B for BADASS !!! Hahaha

The Master

TheMaster-withBilling-R4-jpg_202827-1OK now, I’m all for intellectually challenging movies, especially when PTA’s involved. But I have to admit, although it sort of blew my mind in a sense, I was still a bit disappointed on a few points.

Firstly, the nudity. I never refuse girls dancing around fully naked, especially since it’s the 50s they don’t shave their cunts like the bitches do today. But in this case, the nakedness was simply unbearable. Why ? Cuz instead of having hot girlz fooling around, they chose the more arty ugly/fat/granny combo. Seriously, saggy tits are not appealing at all. Also, Joaquin Phoenix is banging some disgusting fatty English cunt… Even the sand woman was hotter. NOT good.

Secondly, Jesse Plemons. We barely see Matt Damon’s doppelganger at all. Also, he seems to have put on some weight. NOT good.

Thirdly, Amy Adams. She’s still cute and I enjoyed the scene in which she gives a handjob but omagad she looks soooooo old in this film. NOT good.

Now, it’s not all bad, there are a plenty of positive aspects. I like the fact that they shot it on 70mm, gives it a more authentic look and really brings out the 40’s/50’s feel. The cinematography was magnificent, the scenes beautifully shot. Then there’s the acting. Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams and Joaquin Phoenix were all fabulously convincing and full of nuance (especially when the latter fingers the sand woman. HAWT.) But I was most impressed by Amy Adams. If I may quote a fellow reviewer, ‘the nuance and layers of conflicting emotions she conveys in almost every scene is something to behold’. She really gives a performance of great depth. They were also lots of funny moments. Granted, I’m still trying to figure what this movie’s about but even if I cannot yet comprehend all it’s complexity and subtlety, I do feel it is lacking a certain je ne sais quoi to make it a real masterpiece. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s the greatest movie of all time. Maybe it’s also pretentious and overrated. I don’t know, and that’s a good thing. Makes me want to watch it again.

No rating this time, could go anywhere between an A++ and a D.

the-master09Amy Adams, the masterbater.


OK So the other day I got to see Maniac. Now you may ask how I managed to watch it since it hasn’t been released yet  (except at some pompous pseudo elitist festival in Chicago). Anyway, let’s say I managed to acquire a copy in a somewhat unconventional manner. A bit like sleeping with the director’s wife/gf (which really is IMHO the only reason one would ever copulate with Alex Aja’s disgusting pathetic excuse for a wife) except that’s not the case cuz, well, the Lord hasn’t been very generous in creating my manly attributes.

Now, about Maniac. I have to admit these Frenchies really know how to make movies, or at least they know how to make remakes of movies that don’t totally suck ass. Maniac has plenty of blood and gore to satisfy my Dexterly needs, plenty of lovely round breasts to satisfy my loner virgin needs and plenty of heavy breathing which does not satisfy any need of mine but is simply awesome thanks to Elijah Wood’s MAGNIFICENT performance. A performance that makes us forget all the shortcomings of this flick. Like that stupid Frog actress (Nora Arnesomethingwhycantshehaveanormalname) who can’t act for shit. Like all the other actors as a matter of fact. From the gayman Martin Nunez, to the cliché big black guy (Anna’s bf) it seems like all of the budget went into securing Elijah Wood as the lead. Cuz it seriously look like they didn’t have any money left to get some other decent actors. Which is kind of ironic since we barely see Elijah Wood at all… thanks to the POV we only get glimpses of his cute face in reflections and stuff. But don’t get me wrong, I like the fact that they decided to film Maniac in POV. It is an interesting artistic choice which helps set it apart from the ’80s original Maniac. I also like the score which reminded me of the movie Drive.

All in all, Maniac is an entertaining film which has a lot going for it despite lacking credible secondary actors, basic character building and also… a plot. But hey, I for one am not complaining about Aja’s ‘blood & gore coupled with hot chicks’ recipe.

Overall, [B+] thanks to the massive amount of b00bies.

Thoughts on the year that was

Hey yall waz good ? OK so I stayed home alone on NYE cuz i still don’t have any friends and my parents, well, I’d rather not get into details. So after eating pop-tarts all night I looked back at what an incredible year 2012 has been for movies.

Here’s my top 3

clint-eastwood-disgusted-gifTrouble with the Curve: A mildly enjoyable predictable generic movie. But at least it had two fantastic actors, Clint Eastwood & Amy Adams. Two of the finest actors this world has to offer. It has really been a delight to watch them, they even managed to overshadow the boring script and the all so douchy Justin Timberlake. Also, I like baseball, Georgia’s awesome and Robert Patrick’s in it. [B]


Ted: The funniest movie I’ve watched in a long long time. I love Family Guy and frankly, I am not at all disappointed by Seth MacFarlane’s first live film. A guy smoking pot with his teddy bear… how awesome is that ! Now I don’t remember much about it but I do remember the uber sexy Mila Kunis. I also remember the dirty jokes, Norah Jones looking hot as fuck (thx a lot for 9/11 bitch) and most of all, i remember Flash Gordon. Also, I’m in love with Patrick Stewart’s voice. [A+]

The Expendables 2:

Barney Ross: I’ve heard another rumor… that you were bitten by a king cobra?
Booker: Yeah, I was… and after five days of agonizing pain… the cobra died.

Need I say more ? [A++]